Mama Motivation Podcast

Don’t Buy into the Myth that you have to “Do it All” - Ask for Help and Learn to Receive Help

May 28, 2019 Episode 6
Mama Motivation Podcast
Don’t Buy into the Myth that you have to “Do it All” - Ask for Help and Learn to Receive Help
Chapters
Mama Motivation Podcast
Don’t Buy into the Myth that you have to “Do it All” - Ask for Help and Learn to Receive Help
May 28, 2019 Episode 6
Sheena Walenta
Back in the day they used to say "It takes a village to raise children," but now motherhood can be isolating. Learn how to ask for help sometimes and be mindful of how you can accept the help people offer. You'll be a better person for it.
Show Notes Transcript

Well, hey there! I am so excited to share today's episode with you. If you're new to the podcast, my name is Sheena Walenta and I started this Mama Motivation podcast to help women and mothers everywhere design the life that they deserve and live a life with more joy and less overwhelm. Today's episode is about asking for help when you need it and learning to receive help.

visit us at www.MamaMotivation.com for a free weekly planning journal.

I believe many of us don't know how to do that. Believe it or not, at one point I didn't know that burnout wasn't mandatory. I really felt like the harder I worked, the better I was doing in my career and as a mother and a wife and I followed into that goofy myth that says, "You can do it all." And the reality is you CAN'T do it all. And most women don't do it all.

Remember that old saying, "It takes a village to raise children"?  It really does! So why has motherhood become so isolating in recent years? That's a rhetorical question, because motherhood shouldn't be isolating and we shouldn't have to do it alone.

I had a friend come visit from Saint Louis a couple year's back, and we were sitting and having dinner. Her name is Gena, and she had small twin girls at the time and she's also an orthodontist. And I had two little children at the time too. And I was like, "Gena, how do you do it all? You have this successful orthodontic practice, you have these twins, you look like you're thriving. You guys look like you're so happy. I can't barely get dressed or get to work, you know, how do you do it all?" And she looked at me and she said, "I don't, I have help."

I said, "What?! I can barely get dinner on the table and grocery shopping is a nightmare. . ." And she looked at me and she goes, you go grocery shopping?" And I was like, "Yeah, I go grocery shopping." And she said, "No, you need to get your groceries delivered."

Ya'll, it had never dawned on me that I could ask for help or outsource services that I didn't have time to do myself. It's interesting because she was one of the very first women that really came forward and said, "Look, I'm a career woman, I have children, that's a lot. I'm pulled in a lot of different directions so I don't do it all. I get help. I have my groceries delivered. And I also have someone to help with the kids."

So over the last couple of years, I've learned to ask for help. And how to receive help. You don't need to be at a certain level of income to get help. You could ask your partner for more assistance, ask your mom, your sister, or a friend. Do a trade with you neighbor to carpool some days, or do a play date trade.  Let go of the myth that you have to do it all, and accept a little help here and there.

--- Let us know how we are doing --

Thank you for Listening! If you like the podcast and find it has value, please give it a 5 star review. The more engagement the podcast receives the more it will be shown in search results for women to find.   I can't wait to hear your feedback on what you think of the show.  I  personally read every single review and they mean so much to me! Every comment, review, and share helps the podcast get pushed out for more mamas to find

Also, be sure to subscribe so you can get notified every time a new episode goes out, and share it with others who you think will benefit from the messages in here. 

-- Request a topic --

If you'd like to suggest a topic for an episode, reach out to me on the website at MamaMotivation.com

Speaker 1:
0:01
Well. Hey there, I am so excited to share today's episode with you. If you're new to the podcast, my name is Sheena will lenta and I started this mama motivation podcast to help women and mothers everywhere design the life that they deserve and live a life with more joy and less overwhelm. So with sounds a long intro. I just want to get into this topic that I'm so excited to talk about and that is asking for help when you need it and learning to receive help because I believe many of us don't know how to do that. Believe it or not, at one point I didn't know that burnout wasn't mandatory. I really felt like the harder I worked, the better I was doing in my career and as a mother and a wife and I followed into that Goofy myth that says you can do it all.
Speaker 1:
1:02
And the reality is you can't. And most women don't do it all. So I want to start off with a story. I had a friend come visit from Saint Louis, her and her husband, our husbands are friends, they were roommates after college. This is probably 10, 13 years ago. Um, and anyway, there's this amazing woman that, um, my husband's friend married and they came to visit and we were sitting and having dinner. Her name is Jenna and she had twins at the time and she's also an orthodontist. She has no idea. I'm doing this episode by the way, but she's an orthodontist. She had twins, baby twins at the time. And I had two little children at the time too. And I was like, Jenna, how do you do it all? You have this successful practice, you have these twins, you look like you're thriving. You guys look like you're so happy.
Speaker 1:
2:05
I literally can't barely get dressed or get to work, you know, how do you do it all? And she looked at me and she was like, I don't, I have help. Um, and one of the biggest topics we talked about is I was like, I literally at the end of the day, I can barely get dinner on the table and grocery shopping is a nightmare. And she looked at me and she goes, you go grocery shopping. And I was like, yeah, I go grocery shopping. And she said, no, you need to get your groceries delivered. And I'll talk about that more in a second. But it had never dawned on me that I could ask for help or outsource things and services that maybe I shouldn't be spending my time on or I could be better spending my time. It had never dawned on me. So needless to say, I'll talk about that a little bit more, but now I get my groceries delivered.
Speaker 1:
3:02
But it was interesting that she was one of the first women that really came forward and said, look like I'm a career woman, I have children, there's a lot. I'm pulled in a lot of different directions so I don't do it all. I get help. I have my groceries delivered. She had, um, a nanny I believe, or somebody that picked up the children at daycare. And you know, it started, I started to look around at some of the other working moms and started to kind of ask around. And my neighbor across the street, they were moving, she had older kids, almost grown kids. And she said, you know, we're moving and our housekeeper really needs, you know, would love to take over that an extra day. And I know she, you know, already works in the neighborhood. Would you consider, you know, giving our housekeeper some work.
Speaker 1:
3:57
And again, it had never dawned on me to have somebody come clean our house and my husband and I are at a point in our lives where we're fortunate enough to be able to outsource some of these things. Um, because we work so much, it caused me to look at, you know, where is that, where could I best be utilizing my time and I have such little time at home or in the evenings and on the weekends and I really want to spend those times, that time intentionally with my kids. So, you know, it caused me to pause and my husband had a really hard time with the idea of a housekeeper. One, he didn't really want somebody in the house when we weren't there. And to just like, no, I have perfectly good hands. You and I can knock it out on the weekends.
Speaker 1:
4:47
We don't need to hire anyone. And I really needed to put my foot down and again, ask for help. My husband is great at cleaning the house, but we just didn't have enough time to do it all. And I really had to say, I really need this. This woman is trustworthy. She's worked across the street for, for this other family for like eight years and I really need this. So I tell you this story, these stories just about outsourcing some stuff is because a couple of years ago, the idea of having somebody scrubbed your toilets or having somebody deliver your groceries was completely asinine to me. It just, you know, husband and I got married, we did everything ourselves. We Garden, we did the backyard, we took care of the dogs. This is before we had kids. We were very do it yourself, DIY, roll up your sleeves, humble, do everything.
Speaker 1:
5:45
And it wasn't until we had kids and these demanding careers that were growing that I finally, other women finally came forward and said, oh my goodness, you cannot do it all. You cannot do it all yourself. And you absolutely had to out have to ask for help. So I don't know where this thought came from from us women and that I had for myself that we have to do it all or that if we can't do it all it means we're a week who taught us that? I have no idea, but it is an awful perception and I think, you know, we are not supposed to navigate it all alone. They used to say, you know, back in the day it takes a village to raise children. Tribes of women would raise the villages children. But now it's so isolating and social media perpetuates this myth that you can do it all and you see all of these women on social media and celebrities who appear to do it all right?
Speaker 1:
6:53
They have the most perfect print, Pinterest worthy dinner that they take pictures of and their children are all in matching outfits with perfect lighting and you know, they'd take all these great family vacations and everybody is happy and no, you have to remember there's the difference between real life and the real life. Meaning Art, e, e l, the story real that you show on Instagram and social media. And what is actual real r e a l and the social media life that a lot of celebrities put on. It makes it appear that these women can do everything, whether they're celebrities or influencers or whatever it is. I bet you many of them have help, whether that's nannies, babysitters, assistance, who's there taking the pictures? I bet you they even have chefs that make those dinners. Um, you know, imagine they're out, they probably have a photo shoot that day or they have some TV spot and then they come home and they have a perfect dinner plated for their entire family and take pictures of it.
Speaker 1:
8:15
Chances are they even have, you know, a chef or somebody making those dinners and taking pictures of it. So I'm not saying that any of us listening have the ability to have all of that help, but I think it's good to just be aware that what media puts out there, what the women in the media put out there is that they can do it all and have these careers and have this business and have this perfect family when in reality they have help and they have a lot of it. So what does that mean for us, regular folks? Well, we can start small by asking for help when we need it. And here's the kicker. Practice receiving help, practice receiving in general, receiving love, receiving time and attention from people receiving small gestures. I had a really hard time receiving compliments, receiving help. Um, you know, even if I had two small children and when I do go grocery shopping and when I did go grocery shopping a lot, the grocer would always say, hey, do you need help out to your car?
Speaker 1:
9:31
And I'd be like, no, absolutely not. I'm totally fine. Why? Why wouldn't I take that help? It's completely free. They have people there that are willing to take your shopping carts so that you can, you know, take care of your kids and they'll load your car for you. Why do we have an issue receiving help? So start being mindful about that. You know, whether it's, I mean, here's another story for a while, when my children were really young, my husband would try to help in other ways. So if I was busy taking care of the kids are in the bathtub, you know, he would be cleaning up and folding laundry and you know, whatever that is around the house. And for some reason I had a really hard time. I felt like I needed to do it all. And then I was even judgemental on how he was doing.
Speaker 1:
10:27
I would get mad that it wasn't being done the same way that I would do it, that the towels weren't folded the right way or that the kids laundry wasn't, you know, folded the right way. And I would get mad for some reason when he was helping. And I don't know why. I felt like I needed to do everything. So I challenge you to change, you know, to change your mindset and practice receiving, receiving help and attention and love. I know when I was really busy and feeling overwhelmed, sometimes my husband would stop and give me a big hug and I would almost like shrug because I was so overwhelmed and I didn't felt like I didn't even have one second. No, stop and, and be mindful and practice receiving, receive the hug, receive the attention, the love, the affection. Life is so short and those moments are fleeting.
Speaker 1:
11:24
And so I think we really need to be mindful, unintentional, that life is full of overwhelm, but we need to receive when others are trying to give us affection, love, or help. So that's one little challenge I encourage you guys to receive practice receiving. If that's somebody that says, Hey, can I hold the door open for you? Or if you're getting on an airplane and someone says, Hey, can I help you? You know, put your luggage in the overhead seat compartment or overhead bin compartment, whatever it is, just say, yeah, thanks. And that takes practice. I feel like so many of us women are trying to be strong and be equals and do it all. But if there are small things in life that people can help us with, absolutely. I think we just say thanks. Um, I don't know why in our society we're sort of taught to push away gifts or kindness.
Speaker 1:
12:27
Uh, another really great example of this is say you're going out to lunch with your friend and your friend's like, oh, I got it. I get the tab. We're preprogrammed to put up a fight and say, no, absolutely. You don't need to get it. You know, don't do that. You shouldn't have, you shouldn't do that. I'll do it instead. What if we just said, hey, thanks so much. I'll get it next time. Wouldn't that be so nice? So someone wants to do a kind gesture for you, practice receiving and say, thanks so much and reciprocated to somebody else. So we are so full of overwhelm and we need to recognize that overwhelm as moms determine what we could outsource and ask for help. So we just talked about practice receiving small gestures, practice receiving, receiving affection, um, hugs, help, um, things like that. And then the next thing is recognize, you know, where we could potentially outsource or ask for help.
Speaker 1:
13:37
So maybe help comes from your partner or your mom or your sister if you can, you know, contract a local cleaning company to scrub your toilets like we started to do recently or ask a neighbor kid to walk your dogs, um, get your groceries delivered. I cannot stress this enough. This has been the biggest gift I feel like recently for me is, and there's so many different apps that can help you get your groceries delivered. If you live in an area that has a, which is the same as safe way they do grocery delivery, it's really nice because you can use your club card and get all of the discounts and the ads and all of that. Um, and then delivery is only like $5, and the drivers don't take tips. So you can't even tip the driver. It's like a $5 delivery, flat delivery and you get all of your savings on all your club cards.
Speaker 1:
14:36
So I mean that's amazing. I would trade $5 all day long to have somebody do an hour worth of grocery shopping and I actually save more money because I'm not walking up and down the aisles just grabbing off the shelf cause I'm hungry or because it looks good or because they have a corner display. I'm really intentional because I write down what I actually need. The website will even save your orders previously, so things that you order regularly, it will pop up and you'll just say reorder, reorder. And when you get the ads in the mail, you can, you know, get everything that's on sale and save a ton. And I swear this is not a plug for Vons or Safeway. I wish they were paying me, but they're not. Um, but that's a really great way to save time. So I actually saved money because I'm not buying things that I don't need.
Speaker 1:
15:28
I pay a small flat fee and somebody who does all of the shopping for me. And then I get to spend that extra hour of time with my family, with my children are doing, doing something that's more important. There's also, you know, instacart and some other apps. Those are really great on short notice, although you have to pay a slightly higher delivery fee and also tip the driver. But again, it's like what is your time worth? And it's like return on investment. I could get other things done that are more important for the extra 10 or $15. Um, so anyway, that's my plug. If you can get your groceries delivered, it's been a lifesaver for me.
Speaker 2:
16:09
Okay.
Speaker 1:
16:10
If you're struggling in any area, please raise your hand and ask for help. You don't need to be in a specific financial place to get help. You can trade with a friend or ask a partner for more support. Ask your neighbor to Carpool on certain days or ask a school mom for a play date swap. But you do need to be in the right emotional place to receive the help and get the help. So learn to receive things and learn to ask for help when you need it. Your struggles don't mean you're weak. They mean that you're human. We're all human. So we should stop pretending. Stop faking it. Stop setting ourselves up for failure or resentment for trying to do it all. Stop taking it on all alone and being resentful about it. And if you need to wait, no, when you need to raise your hand and ask for help regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. I heard her saying recently, and I forget how it goes, it's something like there are a hundred ways to learn to swim and one very easy way to drowned.
Speaker 2:
17:31
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
17:32
And that is by being unwilling to admit when you're drowning in the first place. So ladies don't drown. Please ask for help when you need it. Small, simple things. When you it, ask somebody to walk your dogs or somebody to drop your kids off at school or if there is, you're in public school and they can take the bus. Maybe stick your kids on the bus instead of dropping them off at school every morning. Make small changes that give you just a little bit of extra time back to your life. And a little bit of less overwhelm
Speaker 3:
18:13
and
Speaker 1:
18:14
I really feel like this will make a big difference. So that's it. I think we just all need to, women in general just need to be a little more forthright coming about the help that we do receive or that many people do receive. You know, my kids go to daycare and we have a gardener and a pool guy and a housekeeper that comes once a month. So, you know, we still do a fair amount of cleaning and toilet cleaning, but we budgeted and looked and said, okay, we can have somebody come do deep cleaning once a month. And that really allows us to have more time with our family. And so whatever that means to you, ask a friend, a family member, learn to receive gestures from people. Simply smile and say thank you, and I hope your life just feels a little bit easier.